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 Ashtail - SunClan Warrior

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Ashtail

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Registered : 2010-03-27

PostSubject: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   March 27th 2010, 10:40 pm

Name: Ashtail
Species: Cat
Gender: Tom
Clan/Family: He belongs to SunClan. His mother is named Diamondfur. His father is named Clawface. His brother is named Bloodfur. His sister is named Rubypelt. His mate is named Lilyfur. His kits are named Midnight, Sunrise, and Eclipse.
Personality: Very shy, lonely, and quiet. Has pure hope and love. Very friendly, kind, intelligent, and wise. Has a strong connection with StarClan. He's a good fighter, but he hates the sight of blood. He used to want to be a Medicine Cat, so he trained himself, but he didn't do very good. Very loyal. Friendly to kits. Will protect his Clan and family with his life. He's fast, but not very fast.
History: When he was born, his mother died. He had a brother named Bloodkit and a sister named Rubykit. He also had no friends and played alone a lot. Until he met a kit named Lilykit who was never rude to him. When the other kits made fun of him, Lilykit made them stop but still never talked to Ashkit. He was made into an apprentice late because he was smaller than the rest of the kits so they thought he was still young.

When he was made an apprentice, He fell in love with Lilypaw but never felt okay talking to her. When he felt it was time to talk to her, an apprentice named Flamepaw talked to her and Ashpaw could tell that he lost her. Unlike the other apprentices, he never had a strong friendship with his mentor. Ashpaw always tried to sneak out of camp by himself to hunt but his mentor always caught him.

Ashpaw wasn't very happy when he became a warrior because his mother wasn't there to celebrate it with him. No one really cared, either. He was named Ashtail and Lilypaw was named Lilyfur and Flamepaw was named Flamestrike. Ashtail was a powerful fighter and hunter but never hunted in a group because his heart was still broken by Lilyfur. Flamestrike had anger issues so he got in a fight with Lilyfur about who gets the mouse that they caught. They broke up and Lilyfur left to Ashtail. Ashtail thought that she was in love with him but, as always, he was too shy to talk to her. Ashtail's brother, Bloodfur, fell in love with Lilyfur so he talked to her before Ashtail and he gave up on trying to get Lilyfur.

Bloodfur always hunted with Lilyfur and his sister, Rubypelt. Bloodfur and Lilyfur mated and had two kits, Deathkit and Sunkit. When Deathkit was almost done with his apprentice training, Bloodfur thought it was time. Bloodfur toke Deathpaw to Lilyfur in the warrior den at nighttime and told her to meet him in the forest. When Lilyfur went to the forest, Bloodfur, Deathpaw, and Rubypelt attacked Lilyfur and Ashtail went to the forest. He saw Bloodfur with his left front paw pinning Lilyfur down. Before Bloodfur could bring out his claws to kill Lilyfur, Ashtail attacked Bloodfur and he won the battle. Bloodfur was still alive and blamed the loss on his two sons so he killed Deathpaw and when he got back to camp, he killed Sunpaw. Snowstar didn't believe Lilyfur and Ashtail that Bloodfur attacked them and she said it was just an IceClan warrior. Bloodfur and Rubypelt stayed in camp and the medicine cat died in her sleep.

Sunstar made Rubypelt medicine cat because she was made the apprentice and Ashtail knew that they might lose the Clan now. Ashtail finally told Lilyfur how he felt about her and they became mates. They had three adorable kits, Midnightkit, Sunrisekit, and Eclipsekit.
Appearance A small light gray tom. He also has a mark on his side that looks like fire. He has sharp claws and sharp teeth. His right eye is dark blue, and his left eye is red.
Rank: Warrior


Last edited by Ashtail on April 2nd 2010, 2:19 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Icestar
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Registered : 2009-01-20
Location : Iceclan territory.

PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   March 29th 2010, 3:20 pm

Okay, your character looks pretty good so far. There's only a couple of things. Ashtail's personality seems to contradict itself. 'Shy and quiet, but firendly.' The other thing is that Ashtail seems to be what us RPers call a 'Mary Sue.' Basically, these are perfect characters. For example, Ashtail excels at both fighting and healing. He also is very strong and very fast. Not to mention his excellent connection to Starclan. Ashtail needs to have some weaknesses and dislikes to balance it it out.

For example, I have a character on another site. His name is Arohtar. He is extremely fast and light, but as a result he isn't very strong. He is a criminal, but he still has some good morals, like not being able to tell a lie. He had to switch weapons from double knives because of a battle injury, so he's not the greatest with a sword. He dislikes enclosed spaces and crowds.

To get help on character building, you can read this if you want (I know its very long) http://lostfellowship.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meprofile&action=display&thread=1361

Also, you can go to 'Excellent character apps' to see people who went over the top in making a character.

The other thing is the mentioning of Darkclan and Fireclan. On this site, there were first the four Clans (Thunder, River, Wind, and Shadow). This condensed into Iceclan when the cats moved. Sunclan then splintered off after a dispute over Icestar's former mate, and an affair he had with another cat, which resulted in Sunstar's birth.

Also could you please split the history into paragraphs? Big chunks of typed writing like that make for a headache for me, as well as mixing up lines and words.

Sorry if I sound very harsh. You have the makings of a pretty good character!
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Ashtail

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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   March 29th 2010, 9:19 pm

Okay. I'll make an edit on him. And by the way, it wasn't harsh.
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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   April 1st 2010, 7:23 pm

Okay, only a couple more things I forgot before!

Sunstar is the first leader of Sunclan. There was no Snowpaw.

Also, his kits would have kit at the end of their names, because they're Clan cats. And you should probably put some info about Ashtail's kin; if they died, and if not what they're lives and personalities are like.

Also, if Rubypelt is a medicine cat, you must fill out a character form for her (Med. Cat of Sunclan is open).
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Ashtail

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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   April 2nd 2010, 2:17 pm

Okay. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   April 6th 2010, 10:32 am

Nice character!!!!! One thing: if you make up information, (about a character, plotline, etc.) you need to ask permission. I tried to make rainbowheart the oldest cat in teh clan... but I wan't allowe to...


thanks
!

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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   April 6th 2010, 10:40 am

by teh way-- i would be very happy if rubypelt became our med cat-- we need one! this also presents an interesting plot: how would cats know about rubies? a discovery? a dream? this will be very interesting! Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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PostSubject: Re: Ashtail - SunClan Warrior   June 2nd 2010, 11:56 am

Ashtail, are you going to finish this character ever?

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